That awkward moment when you look in the mirror and see Judge Judy looking back at you, but she's getting a paycheck and you aren't. Deliver me! Its safe to say, this is part two to "So You're a People Pleaser..." Maybe we should call this the Revelation Series.
The realization of my judgmental self has been like a slow burning candle. If I look back over the course of my life, I can easily acknowledge where the candle was lit. But before we get there, let's look at some years ago...
It was my senior year of high school. During lunch I sat at the round table with my usual lunch crew of about 7-8 friends. We casually ate lunch and talked. For some reason, I was giving my opinon on fruity things:
"I prefer fruit in its most natural state. I don't like fruit flavored ice cream, cereal, or pastries...I'm just saying."
Someone immdiately agreed with me: "You right!" Bless her heart.
Someone else said this: "Miya, you always say something, and then justify it by saying, 'i'm just saying!'"
I have to admit that the first part of her statement is fuzzy in my memory. But after the word "something" input the word judgy, opinionated, or shady...Take your pick!
WHAT. A. READ.
There's a reason why I distinctly remember this instance. I was the nice girl. In high school, I was literally voted nicest person, four years in a row! FOUR YEARS. So to have someone call me out so hard was a bit shocking. I was not angry nor hurt. I was even slightly appreciative to have someone finally see me beyond the "nicest person" supperlative.
NOW. Let's go back! Way back! Back in to time...
Where was this judgy fire lit in me?
It's simple. There is someone who I grew up around, who shall remain namesless, who is the headliner of The Original Judges of Judg-ery (if you will) Tour. I have watched and listened to this person give their unsolicited opinion for years. I have even laughed with them, unknowingly encouraging judgy behavior. All while being groomed to be a Judge Judy myself. I say all of this with love.. Lordt!
Although it pains me to do so, I have to give an example. A works cited if you will, in MLA format.
The person in question has very strong hair opinions. And now that I think about it, this person is bald, so that's quite ironic...
Nevertheless, they feel very strongly about hair. Particularly, women's hair. Color treated hair, fake hair, short hair. Hair that they don't have. *side eye*
But let's focus on color treated hair. This person can spot an unatural hair color fifty feet away. down the aisle, or in the next car over. "Look at her hair!? My GOD!" Color treated hair= bad, ghetto. Natural hair color= good, sensible.
As a result of their strong hair opinions, I was afraid to make any dramatic changes to my own hair. But thankfully, when I did die my hair a rebellious red, this person seemed to just be fine with it. Similarly, when I began to wear wigs they also approved of my hair, only commenting on how often I changed styles.
The main point is, I didn't see the error in my ways until I realized that this was something that I learned from a close family member, not a natural part of who I was.
More recently, I have also noticed friends consistently using phrases like: "I don't want to judge" or "I'm in no place to judge" to the point that I began to question myself: "Are my opinons judgy???" "Am I judgy!??"
Again, I didn't clearly see myself because being judgy was the norm and aside from my high school classmate, no one had ever called me out.
The difficult part of making this relization is shame. I spend a lot of time in a day replaying memories of judgements past.....Not others judgements of me. My judgements of others. I feel so sorry about all the stupid, tactless comments I have made about others in the past.
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